Relationships
Today’s insight discusses letting go of the need to be recognized for your role. “I’M YOUR DAUGHTER!” Focus on what’s really important.
Transcription of Video:
I’m Deb Nygaard from Arthur’s Residential Care with today’s Insights from Arthur’s. Today I want to address a little tidbit to adult daughters specifically, because we are most guilty of this crime. The rest of you should do a little self-examination too. This is about focusing on “relationship.”
Honestly, if I go to one more nursing home and hear a daughter leaning over her mother’s wheelchair saying, “I’m your daughter!” I think I am going to blow a gasket. The relationship isn’t the important part. So every time you go to your loved one, it’s okay to say, “Hi Mom, I’m Deb.” But if she doesn’t recognize you as her daughter don’t focus on the relationship. Just let it go. Let go of the need to be recognized as the daughter. Keep watching this video clip over and over and over again until you can let it go.
What’s important is that you love her and that the relationship needs to be positive. So when you greet your mother and say, “Hi Mom, I’m Deb.” And she responds with, “What are you calling me ‘mom’ for? I don’t have any kids.” Immediately let go of it and say, “How are you today?” Try to have a positive greeting.
Sometimes it helps to bring a prop to focus on. You could say, “Hi, it’s Deb. How are you doing today? Look I’ve got a new plant. Doesn’t it look healthy?” That prop will distract from focusing on relationship and the confusion around that topic if your loved one can’t remember how you are related. You can use anything; a puppy, plant, baby, etc. A three-month-old baby could be the best prop ever.
Just be sure that when you see your mother that the greeting is positive. You don’t want to notice everything that is wrong. It’s really easy to notice that her hair isn’t done quite right or she has crumbs on her shirt. Don’t focus on any of that. You don’t want it to show up on your face. You don’t want to furrow your eyebrows or reflect anger or be upset with Mom in any way. Keep it positive and focus on the fact that you love her. My aunt will say to me sometimes, “I don’t remember who you are.” I reply with, “It doesn’t matter, you just need to know that I love you.”
I’m Deb Nygaard with Arthur’s Residential Care.
Contact Deb Nygaard
Director of Development
Arthur’s Residential Care: 651-429-4798